6 Things Your Husband Needs More than You Think

February 19, 2020


SIX THINGS YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS MORE THAN YOU THINK

I have a stack of my favorite marriage books on my bedroom bookshelf, but so far my favorite by a long shot is For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn.

Shaunti polled thousands of men to find out what they truly wanted in a relationship (you know–the things you wish he would just TELL you for crying out loud) and wrote a book full of these insider tips for women, explained in a way that makes sense to us.

Her findings and advice don’t apply to every single, solitary man (because we all know a unicorn or two out there), but it’s a great base to start from when you just want to know what makes him tick.

Or why your best efforts don’t seem to be working.

I learned that there are several things my husband truly wants from me, so I made the following list loosely based on the book because it’s just that stinking good.  But don’t just read the book and listen to others—your husband was born with his own set of needs and preferences.

It took me quite a bit of prayer, reading, and optimally-timed conversations with my husband to learn that my husband doesn’t actually need what I think he does.

Here are six things your husband needs more than you probably think:


1)  Prayer.  
This one may or may not be obvious, but your husband needs prayer most of all.
God created Eve because it wasn’t good for him to be alone.  Eve was created to help Adam, and so we are helpers for our husband.

We help our husbands succeed by appealing to God on their behalf and building them up in prayer.
If you have talked your head off, encouraged, coaxed, and flat out confronted your husband on an issue to no avail–it is time to pray through it.

God gave us influence over our husbands–not to use to our own advantage, but to nudge him toward his full potential.

Eve gave the fruit to Adam and he ate it. You carry the same influence over your husband–why not use it for his benefit?

When we pray for our husbands, we approach the throne of God on their behalf.  We plead for God to intervene in his life, and the blessings poured out on our husbands will inevitably fall on us and our children.  Only God can change hearts.

I’ve seen tremendous changes in our marriage since I began praying fervently for my husband.  If your husband is insecure in himself, especially as a father, this is your chance to build him up in prayer.

Speak what you want to see–it just might manifest, especially if you pray Scripture over your husband.  God’s Word will not return void.  I don’t want to insinuate that you can manipulate God in any way.  However, a lot of people miss out on opportunities for blessing because they do not ask God for what they want, and they don’t believe that God is for them and cares about the details of their marriages.


2) Respect.

And let the wife see that she respects her husband…

Your husband wants to be admired and respected. This doesn’t mean you need to assume the position of a 1950s Stepford wife. It also doesn’t mean pumping his ego all day long.

And, respect means something totally different for your husband as it does for mine.

In practical terms, your husband wants to be considered as though he were an actual friend of yours, not just another person that takes up space in your home.

  1. Ask what he wants for dinner when you do your weekly meal planning, and add a few of his faves to the list.
  2. Give him a few minutes to decompress when he gets home before tossing the kids his way or venting about your stressful day.
  3. Answer the phone when he calls, unless you’re elbow-deep in something messy. I know this one is hard. I’m totally preaching to myself here. My husband works long hours, 50 miles from home. So, I get it.
Again, how you go about this depends completely on your husband and his personality. With time and observation, you might notice something you never noticed before.


3) Encouragement.

There is a tendency to wrongly label men as tough and women as emotional.

However, men can be extremely emotional. Your man doesn’t want you to see him at his most vulnerable, so he’s not likely going to willingly reveal his secret insecurities.

I had to see that, just because my man is stoic (mine is, but yours may not be) doesn’t mean he’s not hurting inside by the stress he deals with at work, plus everything else going on at home. He needs to know that I’m in his corner. He needs me to build him up to feel confident in his efforts at work and home.

When I take a moment to affirm and express appreciation to my husband, his heart softens and he usually has a much better day.


4) Sex.

I could go on and on about this one. I won’t, but I could. I know you’ve heard this one–sex is important to men. But not for the reasons you might think. Sex changes a man’s brain activity, and afterward, he is more prone to open up about that thing you’ve been wanting to talk about.

As busy women and mothers, chances are pretty high that sex is not at the forefront of your mind. 

Sleep is likely to be higher on the list, but sex can help you achieve that.

I know it’s not that simple because there is a myriad of things that affect your desire to have sex.
However, it’s worth exploring because prioritizing sex with your husband is a game-changer.


5) Romance.

Once upon a time, you met a studly man and he whisked you away into happily ever after.  Or something like that.  Or maybe not.  Anyway, guess what? Even after a few years and a few kids, he still wants to be your hunka-burning love as much as you want to be the apple of his eye.

Think about what it was like when you were dating. I dressed a whole lot differently when I dated my husband. I listened intently to his every word. I enjoyed the time we spent on fancy dates as much as I enjoyed movie nights. I loved being with him.

Guess what, girlfriend?  He misses those days as much as you do. All sorts of things get in the way of romance–work, children, illness, commitments, etc.

What can you do to inject a little romance into everyday life? How can you remind him that he’s “still the one?” Don’t sit around and wait for him to plan dates. Take him out! Learn about something he’s passionate about.

My husband loves discussing politics, and frankly, I do not. But I try to stay up on current events enough to understand what he’s saying to me. He also likes to listen to audio books, so every once in a while I will read one with him, even though I’m into different genres. How can you nurture your friendship?

6) A happy, healthy wife.
Your husband really wants you to take care of yourself. Because when you take care of yourself, you feel better and you’re happier. And while happy people are more enjoyable to be around, that is not the only takeaway here.

As a homeschooling mom of four, it’s really easy for me to let myself go by the wayside. I had to work to flip my priorities upside down, but I’m really glad I did. My husband used to come home to a frazzled wife who tried desperately to keep the house clean. I thought that’s what he wanted to come home to–a clean and tidy house.

In real life, that’s what I wanted. 

He wanted to come home to a happy, rested wife who was happy to see him because she didn’t wear herself out all day. 10 times out of 10, my husband would rather sit on the laundry-covered couch to watch a show with me than see me stressed out and exhausted in a spotless house. When I realized this, I gave myself permission to prioritize self-care over housework and enlisted the kids’ help in getting things done around the house so I was able to greet my husband with a grin instead of a grimace.  And more often than not, he will fold laundry with me if it means putting a smile on my face.

When you’re dealing with deeper issues such as depression, chronic illness, and other things, self-care is especially important. But it can be hard to motivate yourself to take care of your body for your own sake. And sometimes, it’s just plain hard to do. Period.

And if your better half is standing on your very last nerve as you read this, consider the example you set for your kids. Your marriage will reap so many blessings.


"But why doesn't he..."


If you read this whole post and found yourself grinding your teeth or seething because it feels like you are always the one putting in the effort, I want to encourage you right now.

I may have no idea what you're going through, but I have definitely felt at times as though my marriage was one-sided.  Here are a few things I did to guard my heart while working on my marriage:

1) Deepen my relationship with God.  

If you are looking to your husband or your marriage for joy, support, happiness, and all the things--you are drawing from a dry well!  God is the only One who can handle being your Source of strength, comfort, and hope--and He actually wants to be!  

You can tell Him anything, and He can handle it.  I have spent many mornings and evenings hiding in a closet or the bathroom, ugly crying and pouring out my heart to God about all my frustrations and disappointments.  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and that includes the weary wife.

God sees the way your husband treats you, and He will hold him accountable just the same as He will do for you one day.  

2) Take care of yourself, and let God deal with your husband.  

I'm a fixer by nature, and I eventually made a part-time career out of trying to fix my marriage.  I had to learn that I am responsible for myself alone, not my husband.  

Before my husband went to counseling with me, I went on my own for a long time.  My counselors helped me to get emotionally healthy and to learn to forgive myself and my husband.

3) Forgive so you can heal.  

I didn't wake up and decide not to like my husband anymore.  Years of offenses--major and minor--slowly and steadily built up a wall of resentment and silent anger toward him.

Ever heard that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die?  

Forgiveness doesn't release the offender from responsibility, but it does release the offended from years of feeling like crap and missing out on opportunities for blessing and joy.

All of this takes time and effort.  I pray the best for you and for your marriage.

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